Life In Technicolor

I was that kid that wanted to make everyone proud. That kid that got good grades, tried to get along with everyone, started working at 14, was the co-captain of my volleyball team, went to college, and to my fathers liking really didn't care about dating until my 20's. I always wanted to follow that "right" path. Be the good girl. Do the right thing.

In the past few years, especially in the last year and a half or so, I have come to terms with the fact that I have veered off that path. Some of the decisions and experiences were in my hands and others were given to me. But I am sitting here, on a Monday afternoon, after almost 2 years of working two jobs, and for the first time I feel like I can breathe.

It didn't come easily. I fought a lot of it along the way. Why are things so hard? Why did this happen to me? What was I thinking? I am a good person, I don't deserve this. Or wait, maybe I do deserve it? It's exhausting: that back and fourth of picking yourself apart trying to fit into this horrendous mold that society thinks you should be tightly woven into. Or worse, when half that mold is something you created yourself.

I will always be that girl that cares too much, who wants to do well and give everything my all. I want to be kind to others and fix issues whenever I can. I want to do the "right" thing, but I also want to take risks and chances. I want to cringe at a decision and not beat myself up for it, but revel in the emotions and the passions of life. I want to experience all sorts of highs and lows and be ok with the fact that you may not approve!

Before I officially left my corporate position, I desperately started searching for another one. I made myself sick over trying to find another desk job. My stress levels affected me in ways I never knew, both physically and emotionally. I started acting out, doing and saying things that were unnecessary. Ok, maybe I will just move to Europe for a year. No, maybe I will relocate to Reno. Maybe I will just take any job, located anywhere. What am I doing? You think if I am so unhappy here, that changing my address will fix those things? Then again... am I really that unhappy?

I have been so caught up in being independent, making people proud, diving into corporate America and trying to be that "It Girl"... That I started straying away from what really makes me happy. One of the first things my friend Farran asked me after I took a little time off was, "So now that you have more time on your hands, does that mean you will start blogging again?" Brian said, "You can now write that book you have always wanted to do, I already wrote the first sentence for you!"

I do not know what tomorrow holds. I do not have an answer even though I have been convincing myself otherwise. All I know is that I want to slow down. You know, take a look around. See what has been here that I have been missing or consciously pushing aside. I want to get dressed up and go out on a date (I freaking forgot what one of those are like), and to go out on my long runs and feel amazing, or curl up with a book and read for hours with Billie by my side. I am tired of always trying to have an answer for everything. There is no rule book for this. Life isn't black and white. Whatever happens in the future will be my greatest fortunes or my biggest mistakes. Either way, I am so excited to find out!