Every now and then something small or something grand can inspire us. I just finished reading a book that has done just that, inspired me. It's amazing how sometimes certain things can resonate through us so heavily. A simple sentence, a simple thought, a simple emotion, can spark something that is beyond simple.
"So many people enter and leave your life! Hundreds and thousands of people! You have to keep the door open so they can come in! But it also means you have to let them go!"
I can say that we have all struggled with people. Sometimes we push people away, sometimes they go away, sometimes you wish they never left, sometimes you can be so incredibly close that your heart breaks and you can't let go. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change things. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I try to convince myself that everything happens for a reason and then sometimes I just realize that things just happen. Maybe there is a higher purpose maybe there isn't. Maybe you were suppose to learn something, maybe you were an innocent bystander for someone else's lesson in life. But will you ever really know?
I personally have a hard time letting people go. I think everyone is good. Everyone has the potential to be amazing. They have the potential to be giving, honest, caring, and every other sweet word you can think of. Sometimes you wonder why they couldn't be that way with you? How much do I have to give for you to treat me the way you treat him, or her, or them? And then, when do you finally let go? Or if someone hurts you beyond recognition, how is it that you keep going back to them? Or why do you want those that don't want you? Or why do you settle with those just because that is all you know? Or why do you settle because you're afraid to hurt? When do you find the fine line between selfish and pushover? Oh that's my other problem too. Oh I am such a pushover. You could send me to tears and not see me for years and somehow I would still let you back in. People make mistakes. I make mistakes. Isn't it right to give people chances? To forgive? But when do you stop? Too many what ifs.
I mean we all have our own story. We all have our own flaws and our own strengths. We all have those who are our weaknesses. Sometimes we know why and sometimes we don't. I think we should be kind and giving to as many people as possible, even when they don't deserve it, because maybe, one day down the line, they will remember your kindness, and pay it forward.
"It was simple. Highs and lows make you feel that things matter, but they're nothing."
"So what's something?"
"Being reliable is something. Being good."
You ever have those days when you wake up and the world seems so perfect? You can't stop smiling and running around like a giddy little kid. Have you ever had one of those moments when you are laughing so hard and you are so utterly happy with what you're doing or who you're with, that for that very second, everything goes silent and everything goes blank and your sitting their watching your life like a silent movie, and you think, "Wow, this is one of the happiest moments of my life."
Then of course there are those days when you don't want to get out of bed. When everything is falling and you don't know how to stop it. When stress, hurt, sadness, and the idea of not knowing what's going to happen can't leave your mind. And of course the utter emptiness of feeling alone (even when you are surrounded). I mean come on, haven't you ever felt alone in a crowded room? You try to shake yourself out of it because you start overanalyzing everything in your life and you think what the hell is wrong with me? I have a good life. I have a roof over my head. I have people I love. I have a job. I have the future sitting in front of me with the means to do something. So why today? Why this week? Why now? What is missing?
"I've never felt more alive or alone."
I sit in my apartment sometimes and I think about the people in my life, people that have passed through my life, my responsibilities, my dreams, my failures, my mistakes, my hopes, my fears, and my everything-in-between. I think about Hungary and the quiet country side where I feel like a completely different person and how just for a moment I feel like I am living the wrong life. And then sometimes I think about the life I am living. How this is what I have chosen, this is what is happening, but did I really want it? Do I even know where I am going? Sure I can look down the road 10 or 20 years and picture where I want to be, but will that happen? I know people in their 30's, 40's, 50's who are still searching. I don't want to see a fork in the road, I just want to keep going, and turn when I want to turn.
I have been blessed with amazing people in my life. Some don't even realize how much they mean to me. Some bring out completely different sides of me. Everyone has many different facets to themselves. Have you ever showed someone every single one? I bet you haven't. Whether it's your family, your lover, your best friend, I don't think you could possibly show every single side of you. There are too many parts of a person. Those days you wake up happy... Have you ever thought of why you are happy? Or why you wake up sad? Why did you choose to wear that today or represent yourself that way? Why did you choose to be quiet at work today? Was it physical reasons or was your mind completely somewhere else? Did you even realize that you weren't yourself today? Or was that just another facet? Why is it that when everything is going fabulous and your surrounded by love you feel so alone? Like I said, we all have our own story.
"If I had an answer, it wouldn't really be love, would it?"
They say you have to love yourself before you can really love someone else. But what if someone else helps you love yourself? Then again, some can make you hate yourself. All those people that come in and out, did you ever realize that they make you notice something new about yourself? Maybe it isn't even something new, maybe it is something old that was lost. For reasons we may never know, people make a difference. I always wanted to be the independent, I am going to make it on my own type, and as long as I am happy with me then I'll be just fine. I'll be just fine. I don't believe that anymore. I think you have to love. I think you have to love many and I think you have to love for many different reasons, including the reasons that can't be explained. I love her because she understands me. I love him because he is always there for me. I love her because she is honest. I loved him because he made me understand. I loved her because she opened up my eyes. I love her because she lets me listen. I love her because she's my family. I love him because he's my best friend. I love him because my world makes more sense with him in it.
"I felt, that night, incredible close to everything in the universe, but also extremely alone. I wondered, for the first time in my life, if life was worth all the work it took to live. What exactly made it worth it? What's so horrible about being dead forever, and not feeling anything, and not even dreaming? What's so great about feeling and dreaming?"
I hate missing people. Did you ever stop and wonder that missing people seems almost silly? I mean yea, distance makes it tough, but if you miss people so much, especially if they are really close to your heart, wouldn't you do anything and everything to be with them? Yes, I know, it doesn't work that way. But I hate missing people. And I hate missing people that I know are not there anymore, that have left my life for one reason or another. I hate missing the people that are right down the street. And sometimes I hate that I don't miss the people I should be missing. Sometimes I will be driving in my car and I will think of someone I am missing and it only brings silent tears to my eyes. I hate missing people.
I just want to feel alive. I want the missing to bring me smiles not tears. Yes, I know, it doesn't work that way. But if this is my life then I can think whatever I want, right? And you can think whatever you want. We all have our own stories. But at the end of the day, are those feelings really that different? I don't want things to be so hard. I don't want black and white but I also don't want grey. I wish I could scoop up everyone that ever meant or means something to me and I could put them in one room. Imagine all those faces staring back at you. The stories of your life. The memories flooding back into you. The pain. The sadness. The laughter. The tears. They have made you, haven't they? Or did you always make every decision? No, I don't think so. We make decisions about us, yes, but we are also affected by those around us. Sometimes we are even affected by people we have never met, by movies playing on the screen, words across the pages, or sounds playing in the air.
Could you imagine all those faces staring at you? I could. They were all worth it. They are all worth it.
"I regret that it takes a life to learn how to live. Because if I were able to live my life again, I would do things differently. I would change my life."
When I moved out on my own, I started to look at life differently. I started to look at things, people, and places through my eyes. I looked at them through my eyes and my eyes alone. I realized that relationships take work. Every kind of relationship takes work. The closer you get, the more work it takes. Of course the more you invest, the more something beautiful flourishes and the more hurt it brings when they leave.
I realized that some things are completely and utterly unnecessary. Material things do not make you lastingly happy. They help in some ways, whether it be a smile for a moment, a boost for awhile, or a relief for a lifetime. If you look around for two seconds, you realize that most things around you are what you want and not what you need. Then again we work so hard to get what we want, right? I guess it depends on your story. For a year I lived with unpacked boxes in my closet. When I finally got around to looking in them, I pretty much tossed them in the dumpster. I figured if I lived a year with out them, I probably didn't need them. Then I saw a man picking some things out of the dumpster, a few of them I recognized. I never thought someone else might need them. Then I felt guilty. Funny how that works.
I can try to be the best person I can be, and so can you. We will still make mistakes. We will still hurt others. Sometimes on purpose, sometimes by mistake. We are vulnerable. I am not afraid to be vulnerable anymore. I am not afraid to take a chance. All those things I missed out on because I was afraid to be hurt. In the end I hurt because I missed out. In the end, the what if broke me down. Because what ifs can haunt you the rest of your life. I don't want to be that little old lady who wishes she could do life all over again. I want to look back and say yea, that was a bummer, but look at what I did. Look where I went. Look at who I met. Look at what I learned. Look at who I loved. Look at who loved me.
"There was never a right time to say it. It was always unnecessary. Here is the point of everything I have been trying to tell you. It's always necessary. I love you."
