Life In Technicolor

I was that kid that wanted to make everyone proud. That kid that got good grades, tried to get along with everyone, started working at 14, was the co-captain of my volleyball team, went to college, and to my fathers liking really didn't care about dating until my 20's. I always wanted to follow that "right" path. Be the good girl. Do the right thing.

In the past few years, especially in the last year and a half or so, I have come to terms with the fact that I have veered off that path. Some of the decisions and experiences were in my hands and others were given to me. But I am sitting here, on a Monday afternoon, after almost 2 years of working two jobs, and for the first time I feel like I can breathe.

It didn't come easily. I fought a lot of it along the way. Why are things so hard? Why did this happen to me? What was I thinking? I am a good person, I don't deserve this. Or wait, maybe I do deserve it? It's exhausting: that back and fourth of picking yourself apart trying to fit into this horrendous mold that society thinks you should be tightly woven into. Or worse, when half that mold is something you created yourself.

I will always be that girl that cares too much, who wants to do well and give everything my all. I want to be kind to others and fix issues whenever I can. I want to do the "right" thing, but I also want to take risks and chances. I want to cringe at a decision and not beat myself up for it, but revel in the emotions and the passions of life. I want to experience all sorts of highs and lows and be ok with the fact that you may not approve!

Before I officially left my corporate position, I desperately started searching for another one. I made myself sick over trying to find another desk job. My stress levels affected me in ways I never knew, both physically and emotionally. I started acting out, doing and saying things that were unnecessary. Ok, maybe I will just move to Europe for a year. No, maybe I will relocate to Reno. Maybe I will just take any job, located anywhere. What am I doing? You think if I am so unhappy here, that changing my address will fix those things? Then again... am I really that unhappy?

I have been so caught up in being independent, making people proud, diving into corporate America and trying to be that "It Girl"... That I started straying away from what really makes me happy. One of the first things my friend Farran asked me after I took a little time off was, "So now that you have more time on your hands, does that mean you will start blogging again?" Brian said, "You can now write that book you have always wanted to do, I already wrote the first sentence for you!"

I do not know what tomorrow holds. I do not have an answer even though I have been convincing myself otherwise. All I know is that I want to slow down. You know, take a look around. See what has been here that I have been missing or consciously pushing aside. I want to get dressed up and go out on a date (I freaking forgot what one of those are like), and to go out on my long runs and feel amazing, or curl up with a book and read for hours with Billie by my side. I am tired of always trying to have an answer for everything. There is no rule book for this. Life isn't black and white. Whatever happens in the future will be my greatest fortunes or my biggest mistakes. Either way, I am so excited to find out!

Diary Of A Commuter

Monday May 12, 2014

Dear Diary,

Why is it that every morning on my way to work I seem to hit every red light possible? I know it's traffic hour and there are more cars than there ever should be on Central Expressway, but the lights do not have to make it worse!

Tell me why there are two cars going the same speed, letting cars pile up behind them, and none of them will either go faster or move over so the rest of us can pass by? TELL ME WHY? I don't understand. They are barely even going the speed limit and the cars are riding their asses and they still don't seem to get the hint! OMG, what does this person look like? I need to find out what a driver like that looks like.

Is it just me or is driving behind a van the worst thing ever. When a van goes in front of me, my face instantly starts frowning and my patience is lost. I don't care if it's the biggest lifted truck ever, or a toaster, or a dingy little pos, if there's a van, I need to do whatever humanly possible to get away from it. They all seem to drive at the pace of slug, have the slowest reaction time, and take away visibility of traffic around it. And they are just the least aesthetically pleasing vehicles ever created.

Excuse me car, every one knows the left lane is for people who like to get where they are going. If you are going to lollygag, please proceed to the right lane.

Yes, I keep that much space between me and the car ahead of me so you can squeeze your non-blinker-using-ass right in between us and have me pound on my breaks just because our lane is going slightly faster. Thank you for that.

OMG that van did not just cut in front of me! FUMING.


Tuesday May 13, 2014

Dear Diary,

It's close to 7pm, maybe I can try taking the freeway. Oh wow this is smooth sailing! How nice! Oh wait, brake lights. Damn it. Ok, why is every lane moving except mine. This makes no sense. Ok, I will hop into this lane. Now this one isn't moving! WTF.

Excuse me, miss, you have blinkers for a reason. Oh wait, you aren't changing lanes, you are just floating between two lanes like you own the road. Are you drunk? This is uncomfortable. Staying alert. Maybe when the moment presents itself, I should pass her real quick before she swerves again. Ok, go! And I must see what this driver looks like. Woman, of course. Wait, woman on phone texting. Terrible. So cliche.

Oh, you're cute. Too bad there wasn't a way to communicate with hotties in the lane next to me. Oh shit, red light. And there goes all my stuff flying to the floor.

Man hovering in the truck to my right, no, I am not interested. Please, stop starring at me. No, I did not make eye contact with you because I am interested, I just wanted to make it obvious that I know you are following right next to my car and I will proceed to speed away from you quickly. Honking does nothing. Please go tend to your gardens and leave me alone.

Oh another hottie! Hello handsome! Oh... you're driving a Mini Cooper. That's unfortunate. Moving on.

Wednesday May 14, 2014

Dear Diary,

Damn it, I left 20 minutes later than usual. Traffic is going to be a nightmare. Oh, 1st Street isn't so bad. Barely anyone driving here. Red light. Next light, red. And again. Really? Happy hump day to you too shitty traffic lights.

Ahhh finally, Central Expressway. Definitely don't have to deal with as many lights. But oh holy night there is a shit load of cars. Wow. It's green people, why are you not moving? Green means go. Hello!?

Oh another two cars driving at the same speed creating a bottleneck situation. One is a van, typical. I hate vans. They seriously suck at life. Oh one moved over... sweet. Moving forward. WTF. Did you seriously just move over now to let people pass? Van, did you seriously just go in front of me and go slower?

Awesome, this car is moving nicely down El Camino! I like your style. Green lights all the way! Woot woot! Yellow light. No, you do not have to slam on your breaks. Seriously? We were right by the intersection. It wouldn't have even turned red on me and I am behind you. But sure ok, let's hang out and waste time at another light because yellow lights apparently freak you out. Cool.

Wow, you drive slow. So slow. You are ten miles below the speed limit. Seriously? I need to get around this person. What does this person look like? Oh hey grandma. Should have known.

OMG. I am surrounded by vans. OMG. I think I am going to lose it. I hate driving. Never again. I can't be a commuter anymore. The rage is taking me over.

I fucking hate traffic.

What If?

I am a daydreamer. I don't know if many people are aware of it. It's one of the reasons I love cardio so much. I go outside and run for miles while my thoughts get lost in hopes, dreams or fears. I am sure most people daydream. But I find myself doing it as much as I can. I play out scenarios in my head that may or may not happen. Probably one of the reasons I love reading and movies so much. I love a good story. What better than to create one of your own?

The thing is, I get to sometimes paint these amazing pictures of what life would be like if...

What if?

I can tell you it's not always the healthiest thing to do. Most of the time it's where over-thinking and over-analyzation pop in. Yea, yea I am a women. I get what you're thinking. And then sometimes I fantasize about beautiful possibilities, passion, laughter, friendship, etc. Some of these dreams probably tend to not be very realistic. However, when I sum up the courage to tell the asshole to his/her face how I really feel and walk away with a glowing pride... daydream or not, I feel fantastic!

Then there are those what if scenarios that hit too close to home. Like for instance, family drama. Do you keep your feelings hidden to make the majority happy, or do you stand up to them? Do you let go of your pride and take the first steps? Or do you push yourself further away while preaching independence and that you're happy with your life and don't need the heartache?

I have feelings for a man. He has been around for years, but of course in my oblivious ways I just now notice.  Inevitably it's bad timing, as most of these situations always seem to be. I shocked myself the other night when I finally admitted to myself how I felt. You know,  partially wishing it wasn't so and then in the other hand daydreaming the possibilities. Nevertheless, when you genuinely adore, respect, and want to be in a person's life, you don't want to do anything to screw it up.

There is this underrated chic flick out there that I watch every now and then called Letters to Juliet. At first, I really didn't want to see it. However, I caved when my mom bought me the movie because she swore I would like it. And as mom can sometimes be right, I totally did. It didn't turn out to be as cliche as I had imagined. It also happens to have a quote, in this case a letter, that Vanessa Redgrave reads (the context of the letter would take too long to discuss, so if you're that curious then you can borrow the movie!), that I just love...

"Dear Claire, "What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like - love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I will have the courage to seize it. And, Claire, if you didn't, I hope one day that you will. All my love, Juliet"

You know why I love this quote? I love it because I am the person who gets lost in the what ifs. I daydream about the possibilities. Sometimes I do something about those dreams, but most of the time, they stay as what ifs. And it goes for many different aspects of my life: friends, family, lovers.

Reality and logic can play a huge role though. You can posses as much courage and drive as possible, but if it's not reciprocated, then it doesn't matter much. I suppose at the end of the day there are two things you can do about people: 

1. Do everything you can to say/show your feelings, thoughts, problems, hopes, etc. 
2. Let go.

I don't always want to get lost in the what ifs. I want to have the courage to either fully commit and take that chance, or the courage to truly let go and move on. Sometimes, I feel like most of us get lost somewhere in between. Maybe even bend a little towards one and then the other. It will not always be easy. But I know if I choose one direction, and be confident that I chose it, it would put me at ease. And maybe I could stop looking back and thinking what if? Or worse... looking into the future and thinking what it?

What if?

Check Yourself.

This is going to be a very brief and very to the point entry. Sometimes you don't need to over explain things because most people understand or know from their own experiences what you are saying...

Do you ever feel like you are just surviving rather than living?

Take a moment to seriously think about it. 

Do you love what you do? 

Do you do it to support another aspect of your life or because you enjoy it?

Is your sacrifice worth the outcome?

Are you honestly happy?

Do you look forward to the day or do you dread it?

You can think about these questions in any aspect... friendship, relationship, job, living situation, etc. 

Now... do you have the courage to change it?

Because my question for myself is do I change my job, my relationships, or my living circumstances?

What will make me live rather than survive?

Just think about it. 

That Final Realization You Live In A Terrible Neighborhood.

When I moved into my charming little studio the first time two and a half years ago, I was high on life. It was one of the most exciting new chapters of my young adult life. I was getting my own place! There was nothing anyone could say to me that would change my mind on my apartment and where it was located or what it looked like. But recent events have made me recap on some "incidents" of the past couple years.

Incident #1

A few months after I moved in, Billie and I were hanging out watching some TV... on a Friday I believe. We were cuddling in our usual cheek to cheek fashion (and to all you non-animal lovers- go get a heart and don't knock it until you experience a bundle of love you live with on a daily). Anyway, Billie perks her head up and head straight to one of my windows. She starts freaking out. I figure she sees a bug or something and didn't think much of it. 

But then I hear a popping sound. Billie really goes crazy over this. I am like ok what the heck is happening. So I join her by the window and as I peer outside, I see 10+ cop cars parked all around my building and up and down the street. OH MY LANTA! Popping my ass- that's a gun shot (naive stupid female I am)! And I saw a man hiding by the building right next to me. Holy moly it's like CSI: San Jose and I am an eye witness! 

Long story short... A bunch of cops start circling in with their guns. The guy stands there not doing much. He puts his hands up and stands there a little longer. But then starts running at the cops. IDIOT. Bang and bang and down he goes. He left with the ambulance. A squad went into our sister building and out. I walked outside and the cops just yelled at us to go back. I never knew what the guys story was but it was sure intense to watch from 30 feet away. 

Incident #2

My friend and I walked to a friends house located a little closer to the heart of downtown. After a couple games of beer pong I just couldn't hang and told him I was going to leave but he was more than welcome to crash at my place when he was tired. He eventually came back and I heard knocking at my door and let him in. But of course that was the second round on knocking...

I was in such a deep sleep, after drinking and all, then I didn't hear Ryan knocking. He decided to sit outside and get some air. But unfortunately, while that happened, three guys jumped him and took everything. I mean everything- even his pack of chewing gum! Luckily, he was physically ok. Of course I still to this day get a little sensitive over the topic. IF I just would have woke up.... 

Incident #3 and #4

Car break ins. Need I say more?

Incident #5

On a cold winter night.... bahaha I always wanted to say that... I was snug and comfy in my bed. When all of a sudden I hear a man outside my window yelling and saying some truly foul statements. I thought it was a drunk guy passing so I didn't think much of it. But when it kept going, I got a little uncomfortable. And then he was inside our building. He came upstairs and I could hear him in front of my door walking up and down the hall yelling "I am going to kill someone!" Ok very uncomfortable now. 

The guy walks back outside and I start watching him like a hawk. He goes over by my car and starts peeing on the wall. Classy guy, really. I hear someone outside the hall again and walk out to see a guy from another unit and his wife talking. They had luckily called the cops. But he was going to go outside and talk with him to get him to get lost or go home or whatever. Apparently this wacko outside was on some hardcore something because he was speaking jibberish. They were standing outside and he kept claiming he lived in the building! None of us recognized him. We didn't believe it. So he told the crazy fella if he really lived in the building then he knew the code to get in. So the wife and I watch from the inside window as this guy tries to yank open the front door and punch a bunch of codes for like 10 minutes! He was nuts. Then he silently stops... and then suddenly puts in a key and opens the door. WTF?? Walks by us, as we are flying into my apartment and walks to the apartment adjacent to mine and walks in as if nothing happened. 

No really, what just happened? HE LIVES HERE. Ugh. 

Incident #6

More comical than anything but equally frustrating. One Monday night, not too long ago actually, I awoke to a man yelling outside my window to another apartment across the parking lot from me. He kept yelling Juan come here in Spanish. Over and over like a freaking broken record. I was in beautiful deep slumber and this guy was seriously getting on my cranky side. He would not stop! I started pacing because all I wanted to do was sleep and he was so loud! All of a sudden he goes quiet. I am like yes! He is done. So I crawl into bed. Then I just hear this long cry... MARIA and then a bunch of Spanish. 

Oh my gosh it's a real life telenovela! You have got to be kidding me! Jose, Ricardo, Luis... whatever your name. Maria chose Juan... GO HOME!

And yes he finally goes home. Wahoo! I snuggle back into bed. And then the cops show up. What do they do? One parks in the parking lot, the other on the street, and guess what? They start yelling at each other and have a freaking conversation. It's a 11:30 at night on a weekday! Seriously?! I was so pissed I walked outside and in a very short and abrupt manner told him my thoughts on the telenovela and that the guy left. He finally decides to leave. 

Great I can go back to sleep now. The clock now says 12:30. I am so angry and frustrated at this point even my friends and family wouldn't recognize me. And then Billie comes over and snuggles... Starts cleaning and licking her paws in my ear. I give up. The world hates me. I will never sleep!

Incident #7

Now I am sure you guys are picking up on what I am saying here. I do not live in a safe neighborhood. Whatsoever. But the kicker is the last incident that happened this past weekend. 

There has been some weird activity around the building lately. First, Ashley, my friend and neighbor, her bathroom ceiling practically explodes and caves in on her from a burst pipe. That was over a week ago and she still has a massive hole in her bathroom (Thank you slum lord owners for your care in persistence and you live in your fancy mansion in Cordevalle). A white car has been parking all around in people's assigned parking spots. The fire extinguisher glass was broken and shattered all over the hall. There has been yelling and slamming. 

This weekend, saturday morning at about 5:45 am, there was a huge bang! It sounded like something blew up. Absolutely shook me to the core. I thought an earthquake was happening. Even Billie ran for the closet! Moments later I hear a car speeding off... that white corolla. 

I was told today the real story of what the bang was today. 

The white corolla belongs to a cute blonde girl in unit 2 who works for Google. Cute as a button! Sweet girl. But apparently has some serious secrets and issues. And it begins with schizophrenia. 

There was a fire detector that was losing its battery life and was beeping constantly. Apparently, when someone of her mind frame, who doesn't take her medication, a consistent beeping sound puts them over the edge (all of this was confirmed by her parents before you guys wonder if I am making it up).

The loud banging sound I heard saturday morning was her banging my door, with a wrench. The only tenants who actually answered their door was the husband and wife I had mentioned in incident #5. And when the husband opened his door, the girl started beating him with the wrench. The whole time she was yelling, "stop the beeping!'

I WISH that these stories were a figment of my imagination. But I have realized, after some people have even pointed out to me, that I live in a shitty place: an unsafe, crazy, terrible neighborhood. All the charm in my apartment has almost faded out. 

I need to move. 

The End. 

My Neglect Is Ridiculous

You know... I sat there talking to a fellow the other day... He asked me what I wanted to do with my life. One of the things I blurted out was that I wanted to write an award winning novel before my awesome life decides to come to a close. He thought it was totally cool and asked, "So then you must write a lot."

Ummm...

I have this awesome blog that I use to love to write and I haven't touched it for so long. To be completely fair... my internet possession was on hiatus for awhile... *cough cough* two years *cough* But let's face it, he was right. I love to write. I love to share stories or just ramble until my fingers can't move anymore.

So... here I go. Attempt like a gazillion. I am going to bring this bad boy back to life. Now I also semi re-read the blogs I wrote back in college! OH MY LANTA. Some of them were awesome and some annoyed me so much I deleted them. But then I jumped off the deleting band wagon and decided no. At that time I needed to write whatever I wrote. And that's just, ya know, progression of my 20's.

What does this mean for you my very friendly and giving blog readers (all 3 of you).... More disastrous, annoying, funny, sarcastic, heartbreaking, honest, angry, hormonal, romantic, sweet, and just useless blurbs for you to shake your head at.

I'm ok with it.

:)

Musical Heaven

I just decided it was necessary to share some of my absolutely favorite songs. There is no particular order and this sure isn't all of them... But here is a taste of my favorite tunes, lyrics, and moments in time :)