What If?

I am a daydreamer. I don't know if many people are aware of it. It's one of the reasons I love cardio so much. I go outside and run for miles while my thoughts get lost in hopes, dreams or fears. I am sure most people daydream. But I find myself doing it as much as I can. I play out scenarios in my head that may or may not happen. Probably one of the reasons I love reading and movies so much. I love a good story. What better than to create one of your own?

The thing is, I get to sometimes paint these amazing pictures of what life would be like if...

What if?

I can tell you it's not always the healthiest thing to do. Most of the time it's where over-thinking and over-analyzation pop in. Yea, yea I am a women. I get what you're thinking. And then sometimes I fantasize about beautiful possibilities, passion, laughter, friendship, etc. Some of these dreams probably tend to not be very realistic. However, when I sum up the courage to tell the asshole to his/her face how I really feel and walk away with a glowing pride... daydream or not, I feel fantastic!

Then there are those what if scenarios that hit too close to home. Like for instance, family drama. Do you keep your feelings hidden to make the majority happy, or do you stand up to them? Do you let go of your pride and take the first steps? Or do you push yourself further away while preaching independence and that you're happy with your life and don't need the heartache?

I have feelings for a man. He has been around for years, but of course in my oblivious ways I just now notice.  Inevitably it's bad timing, as most of these situations always seem to be. I shocked myself the other night when I finally admitted to myself how I felt. You know,  partially wishing it wasn't so and then in the other hand daydreaming the possibilities. Nevertheless, when you genuinely adore, respect, and want to be in a person's life, you don't want to do anything to screw it up.

There is this underrated chic flick out there that I watch every now and then called Letters to Juliet. At first, I really didn't want to see it. However, I caved when my mom bought me the movie because she swore I would like it. And as mom can sometimes be right, I totally did. It didn't turn out to be as cliche as I had imagined. It also happens to have a quote, in this case a letter, that Vanessa Redgrave reads (the context of the letter would take too long to discuss, so if you're that curious then you can borrow the movie!), that I just love...

"Dear Claire, "What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like - love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I will have the courage to seize it. And, Claire, if you didn't, I hope one day that you will. All my love, Juliet"

You know why I love this quote? I love it because I am the person who gets lost in the what ifs. I daydream about the possibilities. Sometimes I do something about those dreams, but most of the time, they stay as what ifs. And it goes for many different aspects of my life: friends, family, lovers.

Reality and logic can play a huge role though. You can posses as much courage and drive as possible, but if it's not reciprocated, then it doesn't matter much. I suppose at the end of the day there are two things you can do about people: 

1. Do everything you can to say/show your feelings, thoughts, problems, hopes, etc. 
2. Let go.

I don't always want to get lost in the what ifs. I want to have the courage to either fully commit and take that chance, or the courage to truly let go and move on. Sometimes, I feel like most of us get lost somewhere in between. Maybe even bend a little towards one and then the other. It will not always be easy. But I know if I choose one direction, and be confident that I chose it, it would put me at ease. And maybe I could stop looking back and thinking what if? Or worse... looking into the future and thinking what it?

What if?