2010-2011 or Something Like

The end of the year is always a time to reflect right? A time to think about the things that we did right and wrong, the things we wish we would have changed. Or maybe we are thinking about how amazing the year was... all the things we succeeded in, or failed in.

I don't want to think about that. Yes, it's there and I can't ignore it. But I don't want that to be my only thought. There is so much to life that most of us are so afraid to take a chance with. We have so many options and so many choices we can make. Are we suppose to harp on what we didn't do last year or what we wish we would have done, or what we did. Or maybe we can hope we execute those endeavors this years... maybe we can make plans and New Year's Resolutions.

No, I am going to take my life in my hands. I am not going to talk about hopes and fears that are already obvious. I am going to take a chance. I am going to say what I want. I am going to wear what I want, do what I want, see what I want. It is my choice.

That is the point. It is another year to take a chance on me, on my life, on what I want to do. I hope I have the courage to take those changes. And I hope you do too.

The Strange, the Smelly, and the Beautiful

So my first couple days in France have been AMAZING. Such an interesting culture. Of course, before I begin, let me tell you that everyone in Southern France is short and no one is blonde. So here we come, all three of us tall, and I have blonde hair. We kind of stick out (lovely). The people are beautiful though. The males especially are quite intriguing. Their faces are sculpted to perfection and everyone has beautiful eyeballs!

The architecture and landscape is gorgeous. The dense city is amazing. Every building looks important, from apartments, to grocery stores, to churches, cathedrals, opera houses, and everything in between. The streets are surprisingly clean, everywhere. But like any city, they also have their quirky things. Like we sat in an American Bar: no one spoke English, the food was French, and the silverware and glasses Italian (need I say more). The city library had books painted on the building. The advertisements were ridiculous. The decorations ranged from awe shocking, stunning, to just plain strange!

All in all, so far I think France in pretty freakin' awesome. I mean it is rather peculiar. I am really not fond of the body odor either. We were standing in a grocery store (HUGE beyond huge store by the way), and I could smell people all around. My dad told me that sometimes, after he has meetings with coworkers, he has to open his windows to vent... no thank you!

The food, the espresso, and the wine.... absolutely fantastic. French cuisine, so far, is delicious and completely up to its hype. The bread as in the fresh baguettes, spectacular! And the best thing is, everything is in smaller portions, so you can enjoy and appetizer, entrée, and dessert, but not feel like a heifer! And let me just say, the cheese, like nothing I have ever had. The grocery stores have aisles of cheese! It's ridiculous actually, but so good.

I have almost a week still left here in France, so I will definitely share more soon. For now, here is some photos of my French escapades!

This picture doesn't even do it justice. It was a MINI Mini Cooper. Literally, I doubt I could have fit in it.

Beautiful.

I am in love.

The infamous Rhone River...

The male Rhone river and female Sagne river... Apparently there are stories with these two rivers that go through Lyon's center. Hint hint wink wink**

Seriously, who names a pub that? I'll tell ya who.. the FRENCH. Although, it really does make me chuckle :)
I'm sorry, but I had to take a picture of the boobs. Amazing old books in a window and then boobs smack dab in the middle!

Need I say more?

Even the most usual and boring streets look pretty in Lyon!

The chef looking adorable in his apron! And of course we had a delicious meal!

My dad's apartment. There is a huge balcony that wraps around the living room!

I dedicate this to Lindsay. Not only is Burgundy mushroom county, the play ground for the kids were all sorts of mushrooms!

I absolutely refuse to use a stand up toilet. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Then my dad also informs me that the French don't think hygiene is very important. Yea, let me attempt to pee standing up... me of all people... sounds like a disaster waiting to happen!

Dragons, Popes, and Ouzo

WELL... where to begin. Let me just say the flight to Germany was quite quick. Which really helped my sanity. When I first got on the plane, I realized I was a middle seat. Oh I almost freaked at the idea of being sandwiched between two people for 10 hours. Then there was no one in my aisle! I was stoked at life. All three seats to myself. At the very last minute some gorgeous young Italian man stumbles to my three seats and says he is the window seat. I was like OMG I am in love. This is going to be an amazing flight. WRONG. While I did get to sit in the aisle seat, the gorgeous Italian ended up being a moron, jerk, and completely full of himself. NO THANK YOU. So I read my book, took a nap, watched a movie and the end of the flight came quick and painless.

So then began Germany. The first day we walked around Worms, Germany. Looking at all the old historical sights, including St. Peter's Dome, the oldest Jewish cemetery in all of Europe, and old Roman wall, and other random things along the way. The most exciting thing to me was that apparently Worms has this tale of dragons throughout the centuries... little colorful dragon statues were scattered throughout the center. I of course found it completely necessary to take a picture with as many as I could find. Then there was the little Pope statue with the scarf, the small model of St. Peter's Dome for blind people (right by the big one). I was fascinated. Then of course there was food, liquor, more liquor and more site seeing. That was all we saw of Germany, for now. I am in France currently. It deserves a blog all on its own. Which will soon come!

As for the poses in some of the these pictures... don't ask. I don't even know what I was doing. But one really amazing feat... I never slipped once on the icy sidewalks! Yay for me!

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Fly Me To EUURROOPA

Tomorrow I will be departing once again to Europe. STOKED at life. So excited to see my dad. I miss him more than anything. Of course a nice tour of Germany and France will also be extremely exciting. I have never been to France before!

SO, unlike last time, when I said I would keep up with blogging my trip and obviously didn't (not my fault... there was no internet where I was in the Motherland), this time I will have complete internet access. I even brought my camera hook up so I can upload pictures! WHOOO for documentation.

I am going to try to be very detailed and what not, because the truth is, when I get home, there is so much information and stories I want to tell, that I am on like overload and can't remember anything, so if I just document as I go, you guys will get to hear all the amazing and embarrassing escapades that I am sure I will get my self into.

I CAN'T FREAKIN' WAIT!!! Whoooooo. I will miss you all. But really, everyone needs a little time away, right (I know you know what song I am referencing!!)?

A Teeny Tiny Little Wish List

It's almost the end of another year. A very peculiar year might I add. A year that I have discovered a lot about, well, a lot. The end of the year also signifies the holidays. Which are my favorite time of the year. I love the decorations, the music, ice skating, snow (oh I love snow and really hope I get the chance to see it this year), and most of all, I love that the holiday makes people come together. Whether you want to or not, spending the end of the year with people you love always puts a smile to your face. Well, I hope it does.

I'm spending the end of the year in Europe! I know I know, there goes Barbie going back to Europe, AGAIN. But hey, if 95% of your family lived overseas, then you would be there a lot too.

But before I ring in 2011, before Christmas, there is this little thing called: my birthday. December 17th to be correct. It's on a Friday this year. It also happens to be the last day of finals for me (after a very tough semester). So I will be celebrating 24 years and my second to last semester in college (finally!).

People keep asking me what I want for my birthday. What I want is for everyone to come to the Firehouse Bar in San Pedro square, around 9 or after. My favorite thing is just hanging out and getting silly with people I enjoy.

But if you must grab a present on your way, which some of you are insisting, I decided to write a little itty bitty list:

Birthday Wishes:

1. Concert tickets to something fun.

2. Books, CD's, Movies and even more books.

3. A black bathrobe. Random I know, but I am done wearing the same bathrobe I have had since Jr. High!

4. The Julia Child Cookbooks.

5. Gift certificates to either of the following: William Sonoma, Barnes and Noble, Nordstroms, Target, DSW, and Urban Outfitters.

6. Something homemade. Those really tend to be the sweetest gifts.

7. Surprise me with something to do! Like a day trip or a date night with you!

8. Or just surprise me with anything at all! A pack of gum would be nice. My fav is that 5 gum, the flavor Rain (green and black). It's just so yummy but almost 2 dollars a pack! Kind of a splurge when you're a poor college student. You laugh, but when you eat a lot of it and share with EVERYONE, it gets pricey.

Last but not least, just remembering my bday and taking the time to sign a card, make a phone call, or send a text... that is just perfect (and of course come to Firehouse and share a drink with me!).

I am not a high maintenance girl. Just being there makes me happy, seriously.

Incredibly Loud and Incredibly Close

Every now and then something small or something grand can inspire us. I just finished reading a book that has done just that, inspired me. It's amazing how sometimes certain things can resonate through us so heavily. A simple sentence, a simple thought, a simple emotion, can spark something that is beyond simple.

"So many people enter and leave your life! Hundreds and thousands of people! You have to keep the door open so they can come in! But it also means you have to let them go!"

I can say that we have all struggled with people. Sometimes we push people away, sometimes they go away, sometimes you wish they never left, sometimes you can be so incredibly close that your heart breaks and you can't let go. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change things. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I try to convince myself that everything happens for a reason and then sometimes I just realize that things just happen. Maybe there is a higher purpose maybe there isn't. Maybe you were suppose to learn something, maybe you were an innocent bystander for someone else's lesson in life. But will you ever really know?

I personally have a hard time letting people go. I think everyone is good. Everyone has the potential to be amazing. They have the potential to be giving, honest, caring, and every other sweet word you can think of. Sometimes you wonder why they couldn't be that way with you? How much do I have to give for you to treat me the way you treat him, or her, or them? And then, when do you finally let go? Or if someone hurts you beyond recognition, how is it that you keep going back to them? Or why do you want those that don't want you? Or why do you settle with those just because that is all you know? Or why do you settle because you're afraid to hurt? When do you find the fine line between selfish and pushover? Oh that's my other problem too. Oh I am such a pushover. You could send me to tears and not see me for years and somehow I would still let you back in. People make mistakes. I make mistakes. Isn't it right to give people chances? To forgive? But when do you stop? Too many what ifs.

I mean we all have our own story. We all have our own flaws and our own strengths. We all have those who are our weaknesses. Sometimes we know why and sometimes we don't. I think we should be kind and giving to as many people as possible, even when they don't deserve it, because maybe, one day down the line, they will remember your kindness, and pay it forward.

"It was simple. Highs and lows make you feel that things matter, but they're nothing."

"So what's something?"

"Being reliable is something. Being good."

You ever have those days when you wake up and the world seems so perfect? You can't stop smiling and running around like a giddy little kid. Have you ever had one of those moments when you are laughing so hard and you are so utterly happy with what you're doing or who you're with, that for that very second, everything goes silent and everything goes blank and your sitting their watching your life like a silent movie, and you think, "Wow, this is one of the happiest moments of my life."

Then of course there are those days when you don't want to get out of bed. When everything is falling and you don't know how to stop it. When stress, hurt, sadness, and the idea of not knowing what's going to happen can't leave your mind. And of course the utter emptiness of feeling alone (even when you are surrounded). I mean come on, haven't you ever felt alone in a crowded room? You try to shake yourself out of it because you start overanalyzing everything in your life and you think what the hell is wrong with me? I have a good life. I have a roof over my head. I have people I love. I have a job. I have the future sitting in front of me with the means to do something. So why today? Why this week? Why now? What is missing?

"I've never felt more alive or alone."

I sit in my apartment sometimes and I think about the people in my life, people that have passed through my life, my responsibilities, my dreams, my failures, my mistakes, my hopes, my fears, and my everything-in-between. I think about Hungary and the quiet country side where I feel like a completely different person and how just for a moment I feel like I am living the wrong life. And then sometimes I think about the life I am living. How this is what I have chosen, this is what is happening, but did I really want it? Do I even know where I am going? Sure I can look down the road 10 or 20 years and picture where I want to be, but will that happen? I know people in their 30's, 40's, 50's who are still searching. I don't want to see a fork in the road, I just want to keep going, and turn when I want to turn.

I have been blessed with amazing people in my life. Some don't even realize how much they mean to me. Some bring out completely different sides of me. Everyone has many different facets to themselves. Have you ever showed someone every single one? I bet you haven't. Whether it's your family, your lover, your best friend, I don't think you could possibly show every single side of you. There are too many parts of a person. Those days you wake up happy... Have you ever thought of why you are happy? Or why you wake up sad? Why did you choose to wear that today or represent yourself that way? Why did you choose to be quiet at work today? Was it physical reasons or was your mind completely somewhere else? Did you even realize that you weren't yourself today? Or was that just another facet? Why is it that when everything is going fabulous and your surrounded by love you feel so alone? Like I said, we all have our own story.

"If I had an answer, it wouldn't really be love, would it?"

They say you have to love yourself before you can really love someone else. But what if someone else helps you love yourself? Then again, some can make you hate yourself. All those people that come in and out, did you ever realize that they make you notice something new about yourself? Maybe it isn't even something new, maybe it is something old that was lost. For reasons we may never know, people make a difference. I always wanted to be the independent, I am going to make it on my own type, and as long as I am happy with me then I'll be just fine. I'll be just fine. I don't believe that anymore. I think you have to love. I think you have to love many and I think you have to love for many different reasons, including the reasons that can't be explained. I love her because she understands me. I love him because he is always there for me. I love her because she is honest. I loved him because he made me understand. I loved her because she opened up my eyes. I love her because she lets me listen. I love her because she's my family. I love him because he's my best friend. I love him because my world makes more sense with him in it.

"I felt, that night, incredible close to everything in the universe, but also extremely alone. I wondered, for the first time in my life, if life was worth all the work it took to live. What exactly made it worth it? What's so horrible about being dead forever, and not feeling anything, and not even dreaming? What's so great about feeling and dreaming?"

I hate missing people. Did you ever stop and wonder that missing people seems almost silly? I mean yea, distance makes it tough, but if you miss people so much, especially if they are really close to your heart, wouldn't you do anything and everything to be with them? Yes, I know, it doesn't work that way. But I hate missing people. And I hate missing people that I know are not there anymore, that have left my life for one reason or another. I hate missing the people that are right down the street. And sometimes I hate that I don't miss the people I should be missing. Sometimes I will be driving in my car and I will think of someone I am missing and it only brings silent tears to my eyes. I hate missing people.

I just want to feel alive. I want the missing to bring me smiles not tears. Yes, I know, it doesn't work that way. But if this is my life then I can think whatever I want, right? And you can think whatever you want. We all have our own stories. But at the end of the day, are those feelings really that different? I don't want things to be so hard. I don't want black and white but I also don't want grey. I wish I could scoop up everyone that ever meant or means something to me and I could put them in one room. Imagine all those faces staring back at you. The stories of your life. The memories flooding back into you. The pain. The sadness. The laughter. The tears. They have made you, haven't they? Or did you always make every decision? No, I don't think so. We make decisions about us, yes, but we are also affected by those around us. Sometimes we are even affected by people we have never met, by movies playing on the screen, words across the pages, or sounds playing in the air.

Could you imagine all those faces staring at you? I could. They were all worth it. They are all worth it.

"I regret that it takes a life to learn how to live. Because if I were able to live my life again, I would do things differently. I would change my life."

When I moved out on my own, I started to look at life differently. I started to look at things, people, and places through my eyes. I looked at them through my eyes and my eyes alone. I realized that relationships take work. Every kind of relationship takes work. The closer you get, the more work it takes. Of course the more you invest, the more something beautiful flourishes and the more hurt it brings when they leave.

I realized that some things are completely and utterly unnecessary. Material things do not make you lastingly happy. They help in some ways, whether it be a smile for a moment, a boost for awhile, or a relief for a lifetime. If you look around for two seconds, you realize that most things around you are what you want and not what you need. Then again we work so hard to get what we want, right? I guess it depends on your story. For a year I lived with unpacked boxes in my closet. When I finally got around to looking in them, I pretty much tossed them in the dumpster. I figured if I lived a year with out them, I probably didn't need them. Then I saw a man picking some things out of the dumpster, a few of them I recognized. I never thought someone else might need them. Then I felt guilty. Funny how that works.

I can try to be the best person I can be, and so can you. We will still make mistakes. We will still hurt others. Sometimes on purpose, sometimes by mistake. We are vulnerable. I am not afraid to be vulnerable anymore. I am not afraid to take a chance. All those things I missed out on because I was afraid to be hurt. In the end I hurt because I missed out. In the end, the what if broke me down. Because what ifs can haunt you the rest of your life. I don't want to be that little old lady who wishes she could do life all over again. I want to look back and say yea, that was a bummer, but look at what I did. Look where I went. Look at who I met. Look at what I learned. Look at who I loved. Look at who loved me.

"There was never a right time to say it. It was always unnecessary. Here is the point of everything I have been trying to tell you. It's always necessary. I love you."

Strip Me

"Strip Me"

Natasha Bedingfield

La la la la la la
Everyday I fight for
All my future somethings
A thousand little awards
I have to choose between
I could spend a lifetime
Earning things I don’t need
That’s like chasing rainbows
And coming home empty
And if you strip me,
Strip it all away
If you strip me,
What would you find
If you strip me,
Strip it all away
Ill be alright
Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I’ll just scream
Im only one voice in a million
But you aint taking that from me
Oh oh no you aint taking that from me x 4
I dont need a microphone
To say what I been thinking
My heart is like a loudspeaker
Thats always on eleven
And if you strip me,
Strip it all away
If you strip me,
What would you find
If you strip me,
Strip it all away
I’m still the same
Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I’ll just scream
Im only one voice in a million
But you aint taking that from me
Oh oh no you aint taking that from me x 4
Causes when it all boils down
At the end of the day
Its what you do and say
That makes you who you are
Makes you think about,
Think about it
Doesn’t it
Sometimes all it takes is one voice
Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I’ll just scream
Im only one voice in a million
But you aint taking that from me
Oh oh no you aint taking that from me x 4

NOW LISTEN

Epiphany # 2,478 Or Something Like...

I have come to find, like many others I am sure, that I have had an epiphany. No really I'm serious... epiphany. And it goes something like this...

Sometimes we become so wound up in what we think is right and what we think feels good and trying to make others happy that we care about... that sometimes we lose ourselves a little. I feel like we don't even realize it until after.

I have had the privilege of having amazing people in my life. I have lost some along the way, especially this year, but I have also gained some fantastic people. Even the newest of relationships need work and constant molding to find what works the best, for both of you. Because I have realized, that no matter what kind of person you are, giving your best is some times not enough. But maybe with communication and understanding, you can find the balance that works for both of you, you can get the best out of your relationships. Honesty really is the best policy when peoples emotions are on the line. Assumptions of what another feels can only end in disaster, especially if you assume wrong.

I can truly say, for myself that is, that if I care for you, and I mean truly care for you... tough moments will not drive me away. I can get stomped on for awhile before I decide to let someone go. Because no one is perfect, including myself. Everyone needs chances and forgiveness. On the other hand, don't forget to show your friends how much you mean to them. The smallest gesture goes a long way.

But the biggest thing that I have learned since the beginning of the year is...

Do not lose yourself in others, be yourself with others.

2 in 1

So I have been slacking in the blogging arena. Apparently I have been distracted with life. But as it always seems to pan out... Whenever school is in session, I stay right on top of it. And school did start a few days ago.

Why this blog has been entitled 2 in 1 is because I would like to pretty much blog about to separate topics in one. The first has been long over due. I promised a long time ago that I was going to write a very descriptive blog about my European endeavors. Well obviously that was an epic fail. But I will still do a quick little note on my summer fun. The second part will be an ever so infamous bitchy-venting-writing-session. Sometimes you just have to get it all out. I will attempt to not sound too bitter.

Part 1: A Recap of Europe

While most of you who follow my rambling know, I would like to remind those of you who don't where and when I went. It was pretty much all of July. I flew into Germany, spent a couple days there, but most of it was on the road, through Austria, back to the motherland- Hungary.

For a couple weeks I had the pleasure of hanging out with my family and best friend. We were in the country, so really the only entertainment we had was each other or multi media or books (At which point I decided to choose reading because I love it and read three novels).

Now in a nut shell there was a lot of eating, sleeping, drinking, swimming, and fun in the sun. It was the most relaxed I had felt in a long time. There were no worries to stress about or get pimples from. There was no working except if needed. I did my laundry by hand in a bucket and I actually found it quite amazing how accomplished and hands on I felt with my clothes (Yes, we were in the country and I mean country country). I really worked for those babies to be clean man. Rawr!

The scenery and weather were probably the two things that stood out in my mind. Both were breathtaking in their own ways. The landscape that I encountered between Germany-Austria-Hungary was just amazing. There were rolling hills, rich green mountains, lakes so blue and green they looked like oceans, winding creeks and rivers, fields covered with wild flowers, tall cities with buildings older than anything you have ever seen in person, and of course a country sky so deep and dark... yet, illuminated with more stars than you could have ever believed. The thing that really got me going was the sunflower fields. I mean these babies were breathtaking. As far as the eye could see... you would see yellow splendor at its finest. And come on, isn't it fascinating that these beauties move with the sun. Man was I mesmerized.

The weather of course was just plan intense. It was nothing I am use to. Although I did pride myself for being one of the only ones to somewhat adapt to it. It was hot. It was humid. It was the kind of heat that the air was still with striking heat. Your skin turned red or brown in a matter of minutes. And all at the same time your skin was laced with the slightest glistening of sweat. Sweat that creeped around your body so gently, that you didn't realize you were sweating until you touched your skin, felt your wet clothes, or looked in the mirror and saw your glistening skin. AND then at night, in a moments notice it was the biggest lightening and thunderstorm you have ever heard or seen without barely any rain and a shit load of wind. Now I'm not going to admit to this easily but even I was scared. It looked and sounded like WWIII was happening outside. One night, when I was alone, I didn't fall asleep until the middle of the morning because my mind was racing with stupid scenarios of what all the noise could be. Pathetic I know.

Nostalgia was the heaviest thing I felt the whole trip. Sure there was drama, amazing memories, and what not that happened. But what I constantly felt was all the things that reminded me of my childhood. The smells, tastes, and sounds of Hungary. Some things always give me a sense of happiness that nothing in California can. And did my ESL come at its finest too!

While there was a lot I could describe about this summers trip... I think I may just keep it to myself. Of course there were bad hangovers, hilarious moments, amazing bonding, a boy, and everything in between. But somethings are better just leaving as my memories. But oh did I have the time of my life. Waka Waka!

PART 2: The Very Needed Venting

People are selfish. Oh how they are so selfish. And they can manipulate so many things. People are so hard to figure out sometimes. It doesn't matter how much you adore or love them or how important you are to them, games are always the underlying tone.

Miss communication is a bitch. You can mean one thing, say one thing, and have something completely different interpreted. And then when you try to explain yourself, if you even get the chance, most wont listen. That situation seems to have happened a lot lately.

People drive like maniacs.

I am sick of being a maid to people other than myself and Billie. Home and work are both involved in that statement.

I am sick and tired of walking around egg shells with people. We all have issues. If I am constantly reaching out and taking chances, so can you.

Trader Joe's customers believe the sun shines out of their ass. Rude!

Forgiveness people is hard but worth it. Everyone makes mistakes. Whether it is consciously done or an honest mistake. We have to learn to forgive. People are worth it. Have you ever noticed that the happiest and saddest moments are with the same people? It's because you feel the deepest with the people you really care about, positive or negative.

Just let life happen and stop holding back. Lord knows I learned that the hard way. Don't wait to learn it like I did. Remember what I blogged about a long time ago that was taken out of the book Tuesdays With Morrie- "If you hold back on the emotions-- if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them-- you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability loving entails."

I just love people. But oh do you guys drive me bonkers sometimes (And I am fully aware I drive people bonkers too).

Magic Bandage Please

I think sometimes the hardest thing is watching people you care so much about in pain. You can say as many comforting, uplifting, motivational, or empowering things and still you can see the tears fill their eyes.

Hurt, anger, betrayal, insecurity, heartbreak...

Sometimes I wish I could just erase their pain for them. Sometimes I wish I could just lighten the load for them. It is such a sad thing that people can treat each other with such disregard... as if people are disposable and utterly replaceable.

I know the best thing you can do is listen. Just being their and letting them know their not alone helps greatly. But even through all that, some people are just not strong enough. And those are the moments when I wish, even if just for a day, a week, I could take their pain for them... as if I could be strong for them.

It's hard to see people you love broken. I wish I had a magic bandage that fixed them right up. I wish I could promise it will get better soon. But it wont. Time will heal it. I hope it doesn't take too much time.

Departure and Arrival

Sunny but chilly San Francisco was the beginning of my departure. My mom and Nick took the liberty of dropping me off. It didn't really hit me until I was on the plane that I was actually leaving. But because I was so tired, I fell asleep, and didn't wake up until we took off. Then after I ate I fell back asleep for who knows how long. It was an uncomfortable flight. I didn't sleep much even with a sleeping pill. I was sitting next to a not so petite woman and I felt like I was scrunched up the whole time. I was definitely happy when I finally arrived to Germany.

I was so utterly happy to see my dad waiting for me at the gate. But so freaking tired. I have never had such a bad case of jet-lag. Even now I am falling asleep just trying to write this. I have discovered my German really sucks. Steffi's kids are adorable. And to put everything together in true Barbie fashion, while we were at the mall, I almost fell off a bench. Who falls off a bench?

Why hello Europe, it's good to see you keep my clumsiness, well, ummm, clumsy. So now, I sit here, Friday evening, praying for bed, and waiting to be in Hungary. We start the drive tomorrow. A very small car with 5 people. Did I mention it's 100 degrees here. Yea, about that....

The Day Before Departure

So in less than 24 hours I will be departing to my European adventure. Some people roll their eyes when they hear how excited I am. "Oh here goes Barbie going to Europe again..." But ya know, if all your family pretty much lived there, you would go a lot too. And now that my dad lives over seas (sad face), I will have the opportunity to go even more.

However, every time I go there is a brand thing to experience. I make new memories and all that mumbo jumbo. Plus, I miss my dad dearly and the best part of this whole vacation is going to be seeing him.

But oh my word packing really does suck. Especially since I am going for an extended period. I need daily things! Yes, I can buy stuff, but I don't have a bunch of money to spend on nonsense. I have been running around all day like a mad woman running errands, doing laundry, packing, and sneaking around birthday plans for Nick. Because while I may be going on an epic trip tomorrow, it is ALSO Nick's birthday. And since Nick is so dearly important to me, I am trying to make tonight a somewhat fun surprise, cause after all he is taking me to the airport on a day he should be getting pampered!

I am so very excited for tomorrow. I get to see my dad. Not only that I get to meet Steffi's entire family, which should be interesting. Good thing I am going with gifts! And I get to see my Uncle and cousins. A side of the family I NEVER see. And to top icing on all of it, Sarah will be strolling in on the 5th. Life couldn't get more beautiful.

I am not going to lie I am looking forward to a break from the bay. A break to relax, have fun, collect myself, think things over. And above all, I will get a chance to see who and what is really important to me. Like a famous song you may know by a little group named Chicago: "Everybody needs a little time away, I heard her say, from each other...."

The worst thing: 19 days away from my Bubs. Tragic.

Pluto and Proserpine

In Greek mythology there are many stories of how the world came to be. Little meticulous parts put together, most of it having to do with emotions. These human emotions entangled with godly deities are what set mythological gods aside from other gods from different religions.

The story of the four seasons is one that brings obsession and lust. In short, Pluto, the god of the underworld, abducts Proserpine, a daughter of a god that rules that natural world. Pluto is so entranced with her beauty that he takes her for himself. When Proserpine was taken her mother was so distraught that the grain harvest was affected from her sadness. Seeing that the natural world was being manipulated be the mother's sadness, big brother Zeus came to a conclusion: Proserpine would come home for 6 months of the year and then return for the other 6 months to the underworld.

When Proserpine comes home, her mother is so full of joy, that spring turns and then eventually summer. But when she leaves, the sadness quickly fills her and fall begins and then the cold and desolate winter.

Bernini sculpted the highest point of action of this story. The peak of the drama. It is the moment Pluto abducts Proserpine.

T-10 Days

On July 1 I will be venturing over to my people for 3 weeks. I can't actually tell you how ridiculously excited I am. I haven't been on a vacation this long and relaxing for a very long time. And with everything that has been going on in my life physically and emotionally, it will be nice to get away for three weeks.

I will start my adventure in San Francisco. From there I will take a non-stop flight to Frankfurt, Germany. Man that is going to be a very long flight! I am definitely going to need to take some entertainment with me. Once I arrive I will spend one night in Worms, Germany with my dad and his girlfriend's family. Then we will all pile in a car and drive down through Germany (we will also stay one night in a small-little-somewhat-touristy-town for a night), Austria, and into my people's land Hungary! And there we will go to my Uncle Tibby's summer house in the Hungarian countryside. Conveniently it is right by a river where I will work on my tan. And yes I do tan!

My dad was so very kind enough to let Sarah tag along with me, so I will have a friend with me! She is already in Europe, so she will meet up with us around July 6. It should be interesting though because my dad and I are the only two people who can somewhat speak all three languages: English, Hungarian, and German. Between his German girlfriend's non-english speaking family and my Hungarian non-english speaking family, there will be a lot of translating going on! Wish me good luck! Of course with a few beers or shots of homemade schnapps, I'll be speaking perfect German and Hungarian, and then of course probably really shitty English.... Thanks ESL!

What I really wanted to say was, I will be documenting most of my trip on my blog. Three weeks is a long time not to tell some of you what is going on with me! I don't even know what I am going to do without Nick or Billie! First week will be ok, second week difficult, and then by third week separation anxiety for sure!

But oh my lanta... look out Europe here I come!

Apollo and Daphne

Pubilius Ovidius Naso was a Roman poet who was born on the 20th of March 43 BCE. He is more famously known as Ovid. He has written several classical pieces of poetry that have endured the centuries. The Metamorphoses of Ovid is without a doubt one of his best. It is a long collection of different stories, but it also holds one of my absolute favorites, a favorite that is the beginning of love poetry; Apollo and Daphne.

I don't know if any of you have ever studied the Classical period or mythology. Before I knew anything about it I thought mythology was this intense fantasy created to keep people entertained. But it is so much more then that and all the time I spend digging into their world I am more and more fascinated. Because you have to remember that these were the Gods to the people. They were meticulously molded out of their society and the Gods, compared to other societies at the time were different, because the Roman and Greek Gods were molded after people, with human emotions and actions. That of course tells for a great story. And anyone who studies literature knows stories are more then facts and opinions, they help answer some of life's greatest questions and they teach us lessons sometimes with out even knowing.

Now Ovid wrote a poem, Bernini sculpted a beautiful masterpiece, and I fell in love.

It is not a long story, but I will still tell it in a nut shell. Apollo is the sun god, the god of the arts, truth, archery, prophecy, healing, plague and many others. This is the story of his first love.

After a huge victory, in an arrogant and boisterous manner, he taunts a young man with a little arrow. Of course Apollo is the god of archery, so he feels that this little man is being silly and ridiculous, and puts him down. Apollo being a mighty god could not stop what would happen next. For the young man he was making fun of was Cupid. Cupid wanted to teach Apollo a lesson, so he hit him with an arrow, and made him fall in love with Daphne.

Daphne on the other hand is the daughter of a minor river god. She is a naturally beautiful wood nymph who spends all her time in the forest. She becomes so devote to the forest that she wishes to stay a virgin, and be like the god Diana, who is a virgin, and coincidently Apollo's sister. She begs her father to let her stay a virgin (during those days a daughter's virginity was in the hand of her father's). Although with much dismay, because this means he wont have grandchildren, he does abide to her wishes. So Daphne, who never wants to love, will forever stay a virgin. In turn she gets the other arrow from cupid, except it is not to love Apollo, but to run from him.

After Apollo professes countless lines of beautiful poetry for his love for Daphne, he begins to pursue her. Of course Daphne, who shutters at the very word of lover, runs at the sight of Apollo. And here the two begin to race through the forest. Daphne begins to realize she cannot win, she asks her father to help her in whatever possible way he can. The moment before Apollo catches her, Daphne starts to grow roots with her body. Her limbs transform into branches and leaves, and in mere seconds becomes a Laurel tree. Apollo stands there hugging the tree, devoting himself to that very tree, and it is then on when anyone ever encounters sport or educational victory, they win their Laurel branches.

A story of passion, devotion, and unrequited love. A story about the power of love and how one cannot escape it and that it triumphs even the mightiest of gods. It is a beautiful poem. And to make it feel more real, Bernini has created a masterpiece conveying the very highest climax of their story:

"Quisquis amans sequitur fugitivae gaudia formae/fronde

manus implet baccas seu carpit amaras."

"Whoever, loving, pursues the joys of

fleeting beauty fills his hands with leaves or seizes bitter berries."

Chopped

It's only natural that when I do such an epic change that I write about it. I honestly don't know what came over me. I use to be the girl in high school that changed her hair constantly with different cuts and colors. Then I just got stuck in a rut. If anyone knows me they know that I could never be blonde enough and my hair could never be long enough. Then I started to doubt it.

You laugh maybe cause I am sitting here literally telling you a story about my hair, but any girl could tell you that their hair is a big part of them. That it is something that helps express who they are. It is like picking out an outfit for the day when you do your hair. It goes with your mood and how you want to represent yourself.

For me long blonde hair was it. And then I got over it. It wasn't easy. I was like a little nervous girl on her first date. Actually it's more like walking down the aisle and having really really cold feet (not that I know anything about walking down the aisle but I can only assume that making such a huge decision makes you nervous and ask the question if you're doing the right thing).

So the day came that I went to Gilroy to hang out with my mom and get a bang trim. And I was sitting in Kristen's chair I just told her it was time. I was ready to let go of the 18 year old girly hair. And she was so shocked she said come back at 5 and we will do it today. I just said OK.

As the time passed my anticipation grew, not of regret but excitement that I was changing a little something of me. And I know it changes me cause I can tell that people already look at me different, and I even look at myself differently. So when it came time to sit in the chair I was a nervous wreck. Mostly anticipating and hoping it would look good and I would feel comfortable with it. Not only did I tell Kristen she could do whatever she wanted, I told her she didn't even have to tell me what she was doing. Talk about putting your goods in someone else's hands. Stephanie's eyes went huge and ran and got me a glass of wine. She decided it would calm my nerves. So they had me stand up to cut the massive length. My stomach really was in knots. So Steph held my hand and I squeezed it as if I was undertaking a huge operation. Oh I am silly.

Yes, I did feel the weight drop off in seconds (they of course threw away the hair before I could see the length, but it was 8 inches if not a little more). Then I saw Kristen work her magic with the scissors and felt even better. When she was finished I barely recognized myself. Kristen was right, I didn't look 18 anymore. I looked more mature, more stylish, and a hell of a lot more like I was having some fun.

I'm not gonna lie though, drastic changes can be real eye openers. They can put a spunk in your step or a little smirk on your face. You can see yourself from a different angle. And I love the change. It's another chapter!

The Act of Sleeping

I love to sleep. I know a lot of people love to sleep. Most of us wish we could spend a lot of our lives in bed. Not necessarily sleeping ;) but we do wish we could stay in the peaceful dream like state for more then we actually get.

But sometimes I wish our bodies didn't need that much sleep. I know that I am probably speaking sin right now to most but hear me out.

Imagine all the things you could do in a day. I mean during the morning, the day, and the quiet night. Imagine all the projects you could get done. All the productive things you could do. Sometimes I just feel like there is not enough time. That's weird to be thinking at the not so ripe age of 23. But I can't help it.

There are so many things just waiting out there for us. Waiting for us to create, engage in, experience. I don't want to miss it all by sleeping.

DON'T SLEEP YOUR LIFE AWAY.

A Glimpse of My Thirties

A customer came into Trader Joe's the other day. She was an adorable little brunette woman. Her personality was bubbly and fun, and she's typically one of the customers we all cross are fingers for. It's like a breathe of fresh air to help someone who's kind and actually has a personality.

As she was standing there babbling on about something she told me she, "Ate shit outside." Then of course she quickly said, "Oh shit I can't say shit, I mean crap." Anyway she cringed a moment and went on with her story. She of course fell into a huge puddle and half her body was soaked. It didn't help that she was wearing stiletto boots. But I didn't mention that part.

Then I told her how she was a woman after my own heart. That I had just previously had quite the escapades myself. At Sarah's birthday celebration I fell three separate times. The first night I was completely wasted. And it was the worst kind of wasted because I didn't even want to be drunk but because I don't drink hard alcohol much, it snuck up on me. I was ok all the way home and up the stairs. But apparently the top step succeeded in beating me. I really don't recall much of it, however the bruises made me inquire the next morning. Good thing only one person saw the tumble.

The second time however was the worst. I mean just the utter definition of my clumsiness. We were walking across town to go to a bar for Sarah's actual birthday and as we were crossing the street there was a really cute boy waving and smiling from his car who was waiting at the light. Now I had no liquor in me, I was hyper and ready to go, feeling sexy, on my way to celebrate and as I was smiling I turned my head: bam. I was down. There I was in the cross walk right before the curve, on my knees. I don't even know what possessed me to fall. I got up, after hearing "OHHHH," coming from the cars. And just stood straight against a wall. I mean really, even I was stunned. I looked down at my skinned knees and was just dumbfounded. Falling sober. Pathetic.

The last time was after the bar while we were standing outside waiting for taxis. Not only were we standing with a huge group of people, I was talking to some Irish folk that I was drunkenly enamored with. And I was going to go follow them, tripped on uneven pavement. This time I was down and stayed down. After falling three times to cement, I was just utterly defeated. Not only was I bruised and in pain, but I had a river of blood squirming down my leg.

So you see I stood there and told this customer about my clumsy self and that I was probably the best person to sympathize with. It is second nature for me. I may look normal from the outside but underneath my clothes is a plethora of bumps and bruises. And here she laughed and said that I had an interesting life ahead of me because I was her at that age. Apparently I'm not growing out of this one.

p.s. I have an endless list of falling stories. If you must inquire for a good chuckle, please do so. The Sharks game fall was probably the most infamous. Yes, you can only imagine what that entails.

Another Year

So... It is 2010. A very odd year might I add. I am definitely having troubles keeping up with writing 10. I have been on hiatus apparently. Well at least from this blog. Sometimes the things I have to say are just too personal. Which is really why I should write them for all the cyber world to see, but then the point is anyone who felt the need to read it could, and that would just be a very, very bad move on my part.

So other then my very long run on sentences and awkward diction, I have decided to of course pay more attention to my little blog friend here. Hopefully, it will make me a better person. Or I can just express my awkwardness in peace. I don't know. It's a new year. I can do anything.

...and I mean ANYTHING.