Matters of the Heart

I cannot pretend to be a master of sentiments I have yet to be acquainted with. There is a tenderness, a vulnerability within the human connection that baffles me despite the eloquent words, notions, pictures, or ideas that float among the enchanted. There is, however, an explanation to matters of my heart that I wish to indulge in. For I realize that I am far from lonely in my hopeless disposition.

I am not a person who came into this world devoid of love and care. I have been fortunate enough to be blessed with an unconditionally loving family that only grows stronger with passing time. I have found relationships with others out of mutual respect and adoration. Some friendships that have become my family, others that have been lost into a sea of faces. I do not pretend to assume that relationships come effortlessly or naturally. For even the people that I love dearly have not gone unscathed. But there is one love, one love that I will not pass on, that I will not settle on, that I will not dissemble.

You who has felt it knows what I speak of. It is the kind of love that has been written about through out the ages. A love that inspires, that moves, fulfills, and changes the very inner soul of a person. The kind of love that awakens passion, lust, the deepest desires that are tucked away within us. I speak of a love that understands patience, kindness, and caring. And also the love that sparks aggression, fear, vulnerability. A love that does not play with time.

I cannot imitate these emotions and say I have ever experienced such a profound love. Yes, I have been infatuated. I am infatuated. I have felt these qualities genuinely among men that are in my life or have passed through it. I have feelings towards others that I should not have feelings for, or feelings towards those enough to adore but never to fall for. I have become a master of the unrequited, a daydreamer of the possibilities. But I will not settle. I will not take part in the allusion of these exquisite feelings, no matter how much I crave them, want them, or need them.

I want to be swept off my feet. I don’t mean in the knight and shinning armor myth sort of way. He who will steal my heart, will take my breath away. An exciting nervousness that will leave me speechless, yet, yearning for more. He will accept me for who I am and inspire me to be my best self. A person that will challenge me, that will push me, that will keep me always on the edge of my seat. A man that will finish my sentences and laugh at my jokes. I can explain the most admirable qualities, but it still wouldn’t be enough. For when I am in love, that kind of loves that changes us, he will be perfect, that is, perfect for me. Then I will take that leap of faith, share my life with him, and hope that I can be everything that he ever dreamed of.

It may be the words of a hopeless romantic. I may dream of a love that may not exist. I have watched those who have found it. I have seen those who have found it and lost it. And I even endure those who presume they still have it. I promise to myself that I will take chances. I may still be 25, 30, 45, 60... and single to todays standards. I may lust after countless men, maybe even in my own way dearly love some of them. Or I may be that sweet old cat lady that everyone teases me incessantly about. If that happens, however, it will be from choice. Because that love, that great love, that love that knows no time, that will be for one.