I was that kid that wanted to make everyone proud. That kid that got good grades, tried to get along with everyone, started working at 14, was the co-captain of my volleyball team, went to college, and to my fathers liking really didn't care about dating until my 20's. I always wanted to follow that "right" path. Be the good girl. Do the right thing.
In the past few years, especially in the last year and a half or so, I have come to terms with the fact that I have veered off that path. Some of the decisions and experiences were in my hands and others were given to me. But I am sitting here, on a Monday afternoon, after almost 2 years of working two jobs, and for the first time I feel like I can breathe.
It didn't come easily. I fought a lot of it along the way. Why are things so hard? Why did this happen to me? What was I thinking? I am a good person, I don't deserve this. Or wait, maybe I do deserve it? It's exhausting: that back and fourth of picking yourself apart trying to fit into this horrendous mold that society thinks you should be tightly woven into. Or worse, when half that mold is something you created yourself.
I will always be that girl that cares too much, who wants to do well and give everything my all. I want to be kind to others and fix issues whenever I can. I want to do the "right" thing, but I also want to take risks and chances. I want to cringe at a decision and not beat myself up for it, but revel in the emotions and the passions of life. I want to experience all sorts of highs and lows and be ok with the fact that you may not approve!
Before I officially left my corporate position, I desperately started searching for another one. I made myself sick over trying to find another desk job. My stress levels affected me in ways I never knew, both physically and emotionally. I started acting out, doing and saying things that were unnecessary. Ok, maybe I will just move to Europe for a year. No, maybe I will relocate to Reno. Maybe I will just take any job, located anywhere. What am I doing? You think if I am so unhappy here, that changing my address will fix those things? Then again... am I really that unhappy?
I have been so caught up in being independent, making people proud, diving into corporate America and trying to be that "It Girl"... That I started straying away from what really makes me happy. One of the first things my friend Farran asked me after I took a little time off was, "So now that you have more time on your hands, does that mean you will start blogging again?" Brian said, "You can now write that book you have always wanted to do, I already wrote the first sentence for you!"
I do not know what tomorrow holds. I do not have an answer even though I have been convincing myself otherwise. All I know is that I want to slow down. You know, take a look around. See what has been here that I have been missing or consciously pushing aside. I want to get dressed up and go out on a date (I freaking forgot what one of those are like), and to go out on my long runs and feel amazing, or curl up with a book and read for hours with Billie by my side. I am tired of always trying to have an answer for everything. There is no rule book for this. Life isn't black and white. Whatever happens in the future will be my greatest fortunes or my biggest mistakes. Either way, I am so excited to find out!
Monday, July 28, 2014
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Diary Of A Commuter
Monday May 12, 2014
Dear Diary,
Why is it that every morning on my way to work I seem to hit every red light possible? I know it's traffic hour and there are more cars than there ever should be on Central Expressway, but the lights do not have to make it worse!
Tell me why there are two cars going the same speed, letting cars pile up behind them, and none of them will either go faster or move over so the rest of us can pass by? TELL ME WHY? I don't understand. They are barely even going the speed limit and the cars are riding their asses and they still don't seem to get the hint! OMG, what does this person look like? I need to find out what a driver like that looks like.
Is it just me or is driving behind a van the worst thing ever. When a van goes in front of me, my face instantly starts frowning and my patience is lost. I don't care if it's the biggest lifted truck ever, or a toaster, or a dingy little pos, if there's a van, I need to do whatever humanly possible to get away from it. They all seem to drive at the pace of slug, have the slowest reaction time, and take away visibility of traffic around it. And they are just the least aesthetically pleasing vehicles ever created.
Excuse me car, every one knows the left lane is for people who like to get where they are going. If you are going to lollygag, please proceed to the right lane.
Yes, I keep that much space between me and the car ahead of me so you can squeeze your non-blinker-using-ass right in between us and have me pound on my breaks just because our lane is going slightly faster. Thank you for that.
OMG that van did not just cut in front of me! FUMING.
Tuesday May 13, 2014
Dear Diary,
It's close to 7pm, maybe I can try taking the freeway. Oh wow this is smooth sailing! How nice! Oh wait, brake lights. Damn it. Ok, why is every lane moving except mine. This makes no sense. Ok, I will hop into this lane. Now this one isn't moving! WTF.
Excuse me, miss, you have blinkers for a reason. Oh wait, you aren't changing lanes, you are just floating between two lanes like you own the road. Are you drunk? This is uncomfortable. Staying alert. Maybe when the moment presents itself, I should pass her real quick before she swerves again. Ok, go! And I must see what this driver looks like. Woman, of course. Wait, woman on phone texting. Terrible. So cliche.
Oh, you're cute. Too bad there wasn't a way to communicate with hotties in the lane next to me. Oh shit, red light. And there goes all my stuff flying to the floor.
Man hovering in the truck to my right, no, I am not interested. Please, stop starring at me. No, I did not make eye contact with you because I am interested, I just wanted to make it obvious that I know you are following right next to my car and I will proceed to speed away from you quickly. Honking does nothing. Please go tend to your gardens and leave me alone.
Oh another hottie! Hello handsome! Oh... you're driving a Mini Cooper. That's unfortunate. Moving on.
Wednesday May 14, 2014
Dear Diary,
Damn it, I left 20 minutes later than usual. Traffic is going to be a nightmare. Oh, 1st Street isn't so bad. Barely anyone driving here. Red light. Next light, red. And again. Really? Happy hump day to you too shitty traffic lights.
Ahhh finally, Central Expressway. Definitely don't have to deal with as many lights. But oh holy night there is a shit load of cars. Wow. It's green people, why are you not moving? Green means go. Hello!?
Oh another two cars driving at the same speed creating a bottleneck situation. One is a van, typical. I hate vans. They seriously suck at life. Oh one moved over... sweet. Moving forward. WTF. Did you seriously just move over now to let people pass? Van, did you seriously just go in front of me and go slower?
Awesome, this car is moving nicely down El Camino! I like your style. Green lights all the way! Woot woot! Yellow light. No, you do not have to slam on your breaks. Seriously? We were right by the intersection. It wouldn't have even turned red on me and I am behind you. But sure ok, let's hang out and waste time at another light because yellow lights apparently freak you out. Cool.
Wow, you drive slow. So slow. You are ten miles below the speed limit. Seriously? I need to get around this person. What does this person look like? Oh hey grandma. Should have known.
OMG. I am surrounded by vans. OMG. I think I am going to lose it. I hate driving. Never again. I can't be a commuter anymore. The rage is taking me over.
I fucking hate traffic.
Dear Diary,
Why is it that every morning on my way to work I seem to hit every red light possible? I know it's traffic hour and there are more cars than there ever should be on Central Expressway, but the lights do not have to make it worse!
Tell me why there are two cars going the same speed, letting cars pile up behind them, and none of them will either go faster or move over so the rest of us can pass by? TELL ME WHY? I don't understand. They are barely even going the speed limit and the cars are riding their asses and they still don't seem to get the hint! OMG, what does this person look like? I need to find out what a driver like that looks like.
Is it just me or is driving behind a van the worst thing ever. When a van goes in front of me, my face instantly starts frowning and my patience is lost. I don't care if it's the biggest lifted truck ever, or a toaster, or a dingy little pos, if there's a van, I need to do whatever humanly possible to get away from it. They all seem to drive at the pace of slug, have the slowest reaction time, and take away visibility of traffic around it. And they are just the least aesthetically pleasing vehicles ever created.
Excuse me car, every one knows the left lane is for people who like to get where they are going. If you are going to lollygag, please proceed to the right lane.
Yes, I keep that much space between me and the car ahead of me so you can squeeze your non-blinker-using-ass right in between us and have me pound on my breaks just because our lane is going slightly faster. Thank you for that.
OMG that van did not just cut in front of me! FUMING.
Tuesday May 13, 2014
Dear Diary,
It's close to 7pm, maybe I can try taking the freeway. Oh wow this is smooth sailing! How nice! Oh wait, brake lights. Damn it. Ok, why is every lane moving except mine. This makes no sense. Ok, I will hop into this lane. Now this one isn't moving! WTF.
Excuse me, miss, you have blinkers for a reason. Oh wait, you aren't changing lanes, you are just floating between two lanes like you own the road. Are you drunk? This is uncomfortable. Staying alert. Maybe when the moment presents itself, I should pass her real quick before she swerves again. Ok, go! And I must see what this driver looks like. Woman, of course. Wait, woman on phone texting. Terrible. So cliche.
Oh, you're cute. Too bad there wasn't a way to communicate with hotties in the lane next to me. Oh shit, red light. And there goes all my stuff flying to the floor.
Man hovering in the truck to my right, no, I am not interested. Please, stop starring at me. No, I did not make eye contact with you because I am interested, I just wanted to make it obvious that I know you are following right next to my car and I will proceed to speed away from you quickly. Honking does nothing. Please go tend to your gardens and leave me alone.
Oh another hottie! Hello handsome! Oh... you're driving a Mini Cooper. That's unfortunate. Moving on.
Wednesday May 14, 2014
Dear Diary,
Damn it, I left 20 minutes later than usual. Traffic is going to be a nightmare. Oh, 1st Street isn't so bad. Barely anyone driving here. Red light. Next light, red. And again. Really? Happy hump day to you too shitty traffic lights.
Ahhh finally, Central Expressway. Definitely don't have to deal with as many lights. But oh holy night there is a shit load of cars. Wow. It's green people, why are you not moving? Green means go. Hello!?
Oh another two cars driving at the same speed creating a bottleneck situation. One is a van, typical. I hate vans. They seriously suck at life. Oh one moved over... sweet. Moving forward. WTF. Did you seriously just move over now to let people pass? Van, did you seriously just go in front of me and go slower?
Awesome, this car is moving nicely down El Camino! I like your style. Green lights all the way! Woot woot! Yellow light. No, you do not have to slam on your breaks. Seriously? We were right by the intersection. It wouldn't have even turned red on me and I am behind you. But sure ok, let's hang out and waste time at another light because yellow lights apparently freak you out. Cool.
Wow, you drive slow. So slow. You are ten miles below the speed limit. Seriously? I need to get around this person. What does this person look like? Oh hey grandma. Should have known.
OMG. I am surrounded by vans. OMG. I think I am going to lose it. I hate driving. Never again. I can't be a commuter anymore. The rage is taking me over.
I fucking hate traffic.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
What If?
I am a daydreamer. I don't know if many people are aware of it. It's one of the reasons I love cardio so much. I go outside and run for miles while my thoughts get lost in hopes, dreams or fears. I am sure most people daydream. But I find myself doing it as much as I can. I play out scenarios in my head that may or may not happen. Probably one of the reasons I love reading and movies so much. I love a good story. What better than to create one of your own?
The thing is, I get to sometimes paint these amazing pictures of what life would be like if...
What if?
I can tell you it's not always the healthiest thing to do. Most of the time it's where over-thinking and over-analyzation pop in. Yea, yea I am a women. I get what you're thinking. And then sometimes I fantasize about beautiful possibilities, passion, laughter, friendship, etc. Some of these dreams probably tend to not be very realistic. However, when I sum up the courage to tell the asshole to his/her face how I really feel and walk away with a glowing pride... daydream or not, I feel fantastic!
Then there are those what if scenarios that hit too close to home. Like for instance, family drama. Do you keep your feelings hidden to make the majority happy, or do you stand up to them? Do you let go of your pride and take the first steps? Or do you push yourself further away while preaching independence and that you're happy with your life and don't need the heartache?
I have feelings for a man. He has been around for years, but of course in my oblivious ways I just now notice. Inevitably it's bad timing, as most of these situations always seem to be. I shocked myself the other night when I finally admitted to myself how I felt. You know, partially wishing it wasn't so and then in the other hand daydreaming the possibilities. Nevertheless, when you genuinely adore, respect, and want to be in a person's life, you don't want to do anything to screw it up.
There is this underrated chic flick out there that I watch every now and then called Letters to Juliet. At first, I really didn't want to see it. However, I caved when my mom bought me the movie because she swore I would like it. And as mom can sometimes be right, I totally did. It didn't turn out to be as cliche as I had imagined. It also happens to have a quote, in this case a letter, that Vanessa Redgrave reads (the context of the letter would take too long to discuss, so if you're that curious then you can borrow the movie!), that I just love...
"Dear Claire, "What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like - love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I will have the courage to seize it. And, Claire, if you didn't, I hope one day that you will. All my love, Juliet"
You know why I love this quote? I love it because I am the person who gets lost in the what ifs. I daydream about the possibilities. Sometimes I do something about those dreams, but most of the time, they stay as what ifs. And it goes for many different aspects of my life: friends, family, lovers.
Reality and logic can play a huge role though. You can posses as much courage and drive as possible, but if it's not reciprocated, then it doesn't matter much. I suppose at the end of the day there are two things you can do about people:
1. Do everything you can to say/show your feelings, thoughts, problems, hopes, etc.
2. Let go.
I don't always want to get lost in the what ifs. I want to have the courage to either fully commit and take that chance, or the courage to truly let go and move on. Sometimes, I feel like most of us get lost somewhere in between. Maybe even bend a little towards one and then the other. It will not always be easy. But I know if I choose one direction, and be confident that I chose it, it would put me at ease. And maybe I could stop looking back and thinking what if? Or worse... looking into the future and thinking what it?
What if?
The thing is, I get to sometimes paint these amazing pictures of what life would be like if...
What if?
I can tell you it's not always the healthiest thing to do. Most of the time it's where over-thinking and over-analyzation pop in. Yea, yea I am a women. I get what you're thinking. And then sometimes I fantasize about beautiful possibilities, passion, laughter, friendship, etc. Some of these dreams probably tend to not be very realistic. However, when I sum up the courage to tell the asshole to his/her face how I really feel and walk away with a glowing pride... daydream or not, I feel fantastic!
Then there are those what if scenarios that hit too close to home. Like for instance, family drama. Do you keep your feelings hidden to make the majority happy, or do you stand up to them? Do you let go of your pride and take the first steps? Or do you push yourself further away while preaching independence and that you're happy with your life and don't need the heartache?
I have feelings for a man. He has been around for years, but of course in my oblivious ways I just now notice. Inevitably it's bad timing, as most of these situations always seem to be. I shocked myself the other night when I finally admitted to myself how I felt. You know, partially wishing it wasn't so and then in the other hand daydreaming the possibilities. Nevertheless, when you genuinely adore, respect, and want to be in a person's life, you don't want to do anything to screw it up.
There is this underrated chic flick out there that I watch every now and then called Letters to Juliet. At first, I really didn't want to see it. However, I caved when my mom bought me the movie because she swore I would like it. And as mom can sometimes be right, I totally did. It didn't turn out to be as cliche as I had imagined. It also happens to have a quote, in this case a letter, that Vanessa Redgrave reads (the context of the letter would take too long to discuss, so if you're that curious then you can borrow the movie!), that I just love...
"Dear Claire, "What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like - love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I will have the courage to seize it. And, Claire, if you didn't, I hope one day that you will. All my love, Juliet"
You know why I love this quote? I love it because I am the person who gets lost in the what ifs. I daydream about the possibilities. Sometimes I do something about those dreams, but most of the time, they stay as what ifs. And it goes for many different aspects of my life: friends, family, lovers.
Reality and logic can play a huge role though. You can posses as much courage and drive as possible, but if it's not reciprocated, then it doesn't matter much. I suppose at the end of the day there are two things you can do about people:
1. Do everything you can to say/show your feelings, thoughts, problems, hopes, etc.
2. Let go.
I don't always want to get lost in the what ifs. I want to have the courage to either fully commit and take that chance, or the courage to truly let go and move on. Sometimes, I feel like most of us get lost somewhere in between. Maybe even bend a little towards one and then the other. It will not always be easy. But I know if I choose one direction, and be confident that I chose it, it would put me at ease. And maybe I could stop looking back and thinking what if? Or worse... looking into the future and thinking what it?
What if?
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