Matters of the Heart

I cannot pretend to be a master of sentiments I have yet to be acquainted with. There is a tenderness, a vulnerability within the human connection that baffles me despite the eloquent words, notions, pictures, or ideas that float among the enchanted. There is, however, an explanation to matters of my heart that I wish to indulge in. For I realize that I am far from lonely in my hopeless disposition.

I am not a person who came into this world devoid of love and care. I have been fortunate enough to be blessed with an unconditionally loving family that only grows stronger with passing time. I have found relationships with others out of mutual respect and adoration. Some friendships that have become my family, others that have been lost into a sea of faces. I do not pretend to assume that relationships come effortlessly or naturally. For even the people that I love dearly have not gone unscathed. But there is one love, one love that I will not pass on, that I will not settle on, that I will not dissemble.

You who has felt it knows what I speak of. It is the kind of love that has been written about through out the ages. A love that inspires, that moves, fulfills, and changes the very inner soul of a person. The kind of love that awakens passion, lust, the deepest desires that are tucked away within us. I speak of a love that understands patience, kindness, and caring. And also the love that sparks aggression, fear, vulnerability. A love that does not play with time.

I cannot imitate these emotions and say I have ever experienced such a profound love. Yes, I have been infatuated. I am infatuated. I have felt these qualities genuinely among men that are in my life or have passed through it. I have feelings towards others that I should not have feelings for, or feelings towards those enough to adore but never to fall for. I have become a master of the unrequited, a daydreamer of the possibilities. But I will not settle. I will not take part in the allusion of these exquisite feelings, no matter how much I crave them, want them, or need them.

I want to be swept off my feet. I don’t mean in the knight and shinning armor myth sort of way. He who will steal my heart, will take my breath away. An exciting nervousness that will leave me speechless, yet, yearning for more. He will accept me for who I am and inspire me to be my best self. A person that will challenge me, that will push me, that will keep me always on the edge of my seat. A man that will finish my sentences and laugh at my jokes. I can explain the most admirable qualities, but it still wouldn’t be enough. For when I am in love, that kind of loves that changes us, he will be perfect, that is, perfect for me. Then I will take that leap of faith, share my life with him, and hope that I can be everything that he ever dreamed of.

It may be the words of a hopeless romantic. I may dream of a love that may not exist. I have watched those who have found it. I have seen those who have found it and lost it. And I even endure those who presume they still have it. I promise to myself that I will take chances. I may still be 25, 30, 45, 60... and single to todays standards. I may lust after countless men, maybe even in my own way dearly love some of them. Or I may be that sweet old cat lady that everyone teases me incessantly about. If that happens, however, it will be from choice. Because that love, that great love, that love that knows no time, that will be for one.

Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes

Well... I realize it has been a very long time since I have written anything on this slightly sad looking blog. But let me update you on some things that have recently happened...

First of all, I graduated college! I didn't think it was a big deal, but as the time slowly came near, I realized all the years and hard work was really paying off. I can't tell you the amount of stress and brain hours I put into school. I even blame my shitty eye sight on all the damn reading! To top things off, I even finished my last semester, also the hardest semester I have ever had, with straight A's!! I officially have a 3.8 GPA from SJSU. All my nerd tendencies sure paid off! I'm not gonna lie, it is something I am super proud of. I also want to thank my dad for giving me the opportunity to go to college, you have given me the opportunity for far more possibilities than I could have ever imagined!

But now that school is over... which as most of you know was my first priority... I have also relocated. However, I finally relocated solo! It is an amazing feeling to come to your own place everyday. Every little thing in my adorable little apartment is mine and exactly how I want it. Everything I have worked for is all nestled into my 500 some odd square feet of bliss! Yes, it is expensive and the little money I work hard for is going to pretty much rent, but it is totally worth it. Billie and I are in heavenly bliss!

Now while it may seem I have everything going for me, don't let me get ahead of myself. I have also had many pitfalls recently. My knee issues have only become worse. But I am trying my best to strengthen the right areas of my body that my physical therapist coached me on! Hopefully my grandma knee won't keep me down!

There has also been a few friend issues. Both intimate issues and friendship issues. For so long it stressed me out, in some ways it still does, but I realized sometimes you just can't do much. Sometimes it isn't up to you. So while I will try to have a positive outlook about some relationships, whatever happens... happens. I have hopes, wants, and dreams like any other person, but I am not going to harp on them. If it is meant to be, then I think the world will steer me in the right direction :)

To top it all off.... I leave for the motherland in less then 2 weeks!!! Oh beautiful Hungary I cannot wait to see you! Get ready friends, I will becoming back extra tan and extra happy! If you have requests for anything from Hungary or Germany let me know asap!

And please feel free to drop on over, to MY place, whenever you're bored. I would love to just hang and chat :)

A Scary Moment

I want to write about this because I feel like maybe some other women will realize it's not a joke and to just be careful when you're out alone. I also want to write about this because it's situations like these that remind you there are amazing people out there.

I stayed late at the library tonight because I was finishing up a paper for one of my classes. I knew if I came home I would be distracted by Billie and my bed taunting me to take a nap! I had taken the light rail to school, as usual. I have been taking the light rail for three years now, anywhere from 7 am to midnight. I love the light rail. It is easy and quick, and I usually always feel safe. Tonight was different. Tonight I was caught off guard.

I was leaning up against a rail, minding my own business, when two older men walked up to me. I thought maybe they would just say something in passing and move on, but they didn't. They started touching my arms, saying how beautiful I was. They asked what my name was and what not, but then they started asking me inappropriate questions. Even when I didn't reply and tried to look away, they kept talking, and kept moving closer. When they wouldn't leave I actually started to panic. I had no idea what to do, I had never been in a situation like that before.

One of them was about two inches in front of me, I could smell his nasty alcoholic breathe, when a girl to my right, a rather manly girl if ya get my drift, yelled to the men saying leave her alone that's my home girl. Then I noticed a guy come over and stand directly to the left of me. He was a smaller guy but you could tell he wanted to make his presence known and make sure I wasn't alone. And then one of the guys started cussing him out and calling him racist names, his arms flailing about. Now I was on the verge of tears. The girl who had yelled earlier walked over and grabbed my arm and took me over to her friend (who I later came to find out that he classified himself as a "Furry", people who are walking and talking animals, he was even wearing furry ears on his hat, you could only imagine the rest). The man had yelled at that sweet guy so much and got in his face that he ended up walking away from the station. Then they started yelling at me again and the girl who had pulled me away. But they eventually lost interest and walked away, probably because a small crowd had grown by then.

I kept my cool the best I could, let the furry guy rant until my stop came up, and literally almost ran to my car. Then I was absolutely in tears. I have never felt so violated and afraid before. I always thought San Jose was so safe- I have been everywhere alone, at all hours of the day. But maybe, I have been a little naive. I mean, if there wouldn't have been those three people close by, I may have found myself in quite the dilemma.

I want to thank those three strangers though. I don't know who they were and I probably will never see them again, but in that moment, they were my heroes. Seeing strangers help other strangers makes me love people even more.

And ladies, seriously, be careful.

The Perfect Man

I kissed a boy the other day, well, last night to be exact. It wasn't planned. I haven't been swooning over him for weeks or anything of that sort. He isn't a random fellow off the street either. I have known him for years.

We have always had this flirty relationship, but like I said, I have known him for a long time, and I honestly didn't think much of it. Last night we hung out for the first time in a while. He is a little younger than me, and like the saying goes, guys mature slower than gals, physically and mentally.

So, there I was, hanging out with what seemed to be the perfect guy. He has really grown into a gorgeous man, who takes care of himself, and has the sexiest body, ever. He has good teeth (and if anyone knows me they know I need someone who takes care of their teeth!), nice hair, smells delicious, and has a cute clothing style. He drives a motorcycle and owns a jeep. He is a family man, takes care of his younger siblings and mom. He is funny with that little smidgen of almost dorky, but in a cute way. He is blunt, without being rude. He has his opinions, values, morals, and sticks to them. He has dreams and is striving for them. He is kind, friendly, open to everything. And most of all, what all females love, anyone at that actually, he adores me. And he isn't afraid to tell me. He tells me sweet things like, "When I think of you I can't help but laugh, because you're always smiling, thinking of you always makes me happy."

So there we were, kissing, ok more like making out, and I was kissing what seemed to be the perfect guy, and you know what I felt? Absolutely nothing. Now, I don't want to take anything away from him, he really is an amazing guy. One day, he will make a girl incredibly happy, but I definitely am not that girl.

However, this simple little encounter has really got my little brain percolating. You know I have been made fun of in the past by some of my girl friends for liking peculiar characters. I have even been told I end up falling for the ugliest (textbook ugly) guys you could imagine. Or sometimes I fall for people with weird personalities, or something that makes them obscure and my girls have a field day making fun of them and teasing me. But, truth is, that attraction, that chemistry, whatever makes that guy special in my brain, is totally worth it. I have never been the one to automatically fall for the hot guy. I like the funny guys, the musicians, the smart kids, the tattooed bad boys, the foreigners, sometimes even the quiet ones because they intrigue me. I may have the perfect man sitting in front of me, but that doesn't mean he will do anything for me.

Now, what I am saying right now, most of you are probably like, "Well, duh." But it's not that easy. I watch some of my friends go through great lengths to find perfect. Or worse, they change who they are to suit someone else, just to be in love, just for that need to be with someone. I have been single for 24 years for many reasons, but mostly by choice. I'm ok with that. Even with not being in official relationships I have had enough man drama to last me a life time. Yes of course I have those moments where I wish I had someone, lonely moments wishing for the comfort and care of someone else. Then there are moments where I'm stoked to be single. But I am not going to settle, or worse not be me just to be in a relationship. I am open to all types of men, tall guys, short guys, loud guys, funny guys, crazy guys, quiet guys, smart guys, and everything in between guys. I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect. I don't need Mr. Perfect. Mr. Perfect did nothing for me.

What I need is someone who will be my friend, someone who will take chances, someone who can sit and let me ramble on about the stupidest things, who brushes his damn teeth, who speaks his mind, who makes me laugh, who lets me adore him and is ok with it, who pursues me and takes a chance on me, who realizes that if I hold his hand in public, that means it's a BIG DAMN DEAL for me, because that means I am making a statement, that means that I have been lucky enough to have this great guy be mine, and I am letting everyone know.

I may already know him, I may already be friends with him, or maybe I will meet him tomorrow, or in a few months, or years. Whenever that happens, he doesn't need to be Mr. Perfect, he just needs to be perfect for me.

I Have A Blog?

I know, I know... I have completely and utterly ignored my blog. And there are some people who even ask me if I am still writing it, and I'm like "Of course I am!" Yea I'm a liar. So, due to the fact that I have been lazy and what not, I am going to take requests. Yes, requests. Whoever gives me the best idea for a blog, I will write it. Or maybe whoever gives me the stupidest topic... I don't know, something interesting. Give me the challenge!