Cloud of Smoke

Yesterday, I drove to Sacramento and I spent the night with my dad. 

I sat there listening to him talk about things, his life, why certain choices were made. I was definitely getting a better understanding of where he was coming from and answers to why his road led to divorce. 

I sat there trying to be as supportive as possible. It's hard to hear your dad talk about things with such sadness. To hear him being so unaware of what the future holds was scary to hear. So stressed and tired, that I have never seen him more skinny in my life. 

It's hard to make decisions that change your life so drastically, throwing you into the unknown. But do you settle with ok or do you take a chance on great? 

Of course of all places we choose to eat dinner, one of Debra's best friends is there. And I went over to say hi and be respectful because I thought that was the nice thing to do. But sometimes divorcing family means divorcing friends. And I stood listening to this woman bash and put down my father in front of her dinner guests. I respectfully listened and walked away the first chance I had. I went inside and sat in my seat and casually made my 8 dollar glass of wine disappear. I couldn't believe she had the nerve to do that. 

I wish I could go back in time and say something to her. I wish I would have stood up for him and said it takes two to make a marriage go wrong, even if choices my dad has made accelerated it. I wish I could have said how dare you talk to me about my father. He is an amazing man who has come to a cross road in his life and he had to make a decision. A decision that has nothing to do with you and your one sided opinions. But I didn't and it was probably better this way. 

Divorce is hard. It's the second divorce my family has endeared. And let me tell you, being older makes it harder. You understand more and you definitely analyze more. I love Debra very much. And I hope that sometime in the future we can still have a relationship, in person, face to face. 

I will not say anyones actions were right, or one is better than the other, or if this was done better the outcome would be brighter. It is not my job to say whose at fault, or who didn't try hard enough, or who I feel sorry for, or who I am angry at. It takes two. I'm sad because something that was so close to me was lost. I'm hurt because my dad and Debra both hurt in their own ways. But he is my dad, and I will support him through anything and everything. 

And after dinner, we sat right back outside. I sat right back into the endless cloud of smoke, and I listened. Because sometimes the best thing to do is just listen.